10.08.2014

Equally Yoked: Let's Talk About Sex

Today we are back for another installment of Equally Yoked! Today you will be hearing from Kaitlin, the witty and sweet author behind Sew My Soul. She has a testimony that is shockingly similar to mine, which has brought us together! And I cannot take credit for her awesome title! Enjoy!
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Equally Yoked sage the blog marriage series
 Hi lovely Sage readers! I'm Kaitlin and I blog over at Sew My Soul. It started as a project for one of my courses in college, fell to the wayside for a bit, and then became a hobby and passion. Now, I write about faith, marriage, food, and life in general. When Cassie approached me about the Equally Yoked series, I knew I wanted in. Marriage is something I never thought I would do, having been an atheist for years and fairly public about my lack of faith in God and love.
 
However, in 2012 I became a Christian, in 2013 I fell in love, and in the very first week of 2014 I got married. 
 
Clearly I'm not in charge here. Thanks, Jesus.
 
Marriage has rocked my world in a million ways. Sharing a life with another person is wonderful, but it's also crazy and can be very difficult in many, many areas. One in particular--the one I want to talk about today--is intimacy.
 
Intimacy in marriage is something we hear about all the time. We talk about it in casual conversation, and sometimes use the word "intimacy" to delicately and generically talk about sex. A major problem within the Christian culture is a reluctance to move past the word "intimacy" as a surface level euphemism for what goes on behind closed doors.
 
I'm moving past the euphemism today, and talking about what we really mean when we say intimacy. Today, I'm talking about sex.
 
Sex is a great thing in marriage. It's a wonderful way to connect with your spouse on a deeper level, and it should feel good for both people. But sex isn't always easy. It's one of the most natural acts in the world, and yet, it can feel like the most foreign concept to Christian newlyweds.
Even if you weren't a virgin on your wedding night.
 
When I got married in January, I wasn't a virgin. I had a past, some parts of which were and are intensely painful to remember, and I thought since I had found redemption in Jesus, sex would somehow be different and be so much easier and more magical because a) I had experience so I wasn't a naive virgin going into things, and b) we were married now so it was okay and should be easy.
 
I was wrong. Sex was very difficult for me for several months after our wedding. I would go through phases of it being no problem and enjoying it, to periods of not wanting it at all and cringing any time I thought of it. My reaction to sex was really hard on my husband, who was worried it was him and felt unwanted and unattractive. That simply wasn't true. The truth was: My perception of sex was not in line with God's intentions for sex and intimacy in marriage.
 
Did you know there is an entire book in the bible about sex? That's right. A whole book of the word of God is completely devoted to the celebration of sex in marriage.
 
I don't know about you, but any time I see that something is very closely focused on in the Bible, I assume it must be pretty important to God and therefore should be important to me. So if God saw fit to have an entire book of the Bible be about sexual intimacy, I should see fit to make it a priority to have great sex in my marriage. And you should too!

Song of Solomon Sex in Marriage

This is good news for us, friends! Many of us grow up with an extremely skewed perception of sex. It is either seen as gross, an attitude often exasperated by misguided efforts to teach purity, which is a very important thing to maintain, or it is seen as the height of human experience, to be enjoyed as often as possible with whomever one chooses at any given time. Purity can become such a focus in Christianity that once you're married, you've built up so much negativity towards sex without even realizing it that getting intimate with your spouse feels wrong. In a worldly view, sex can be treated so casually that once you get married, you've built up baggage that keeps you from feeling comfortable having and/or talking about sex with your spouse.
 
If you're like me, both of those attitudes are part of your story, and left you feeling even more confused about why sex isn't as easy as counting to ten.
 
Here's the thing, though: God meant for man and wife to enjoy each other in every area of life, including physically. He designed sex for us. Sex was God's idea! Get out your Bible and turn to Song of Solomon. I would love to write the whole thing out, but it's long, so here are a few of my favorite verses:
 
Song of Solomon 6:2-3: "My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies."
 
In this verse we hear the young bride talking about her joy in being able to provide pleasure for her love. His description of her in chapter 5 compares her beauty to a "locked garden," something for his eyes alone, and a plethora of rare and exotic spices, that are deeply desirable. She is describing her joy in being those things for her husband, and her joy in having sex with the one she loves.
 
Song of Solomon 7:1: "How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O noble daughter! Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand."
 
The young husband here is delighting in the beauty of his new bride, rejoicing in the one God made for him. He calls her "daughter" in recognition and celebration of her divine creation, further emphasized by calling her "the work of a master hand." He sees his bride's priceless value, and delights in her because she is a gift from God.
 
Song of Solomon 8:13 & 14: He--" O you who dwell in the gardens, with companions listening for your voice, let me hear it." She--"Make haste, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices."
 
These are the final two verses of the book--verses expressing deep longing for one another. The man, begging for the privilege of receiving love from his bride, and the bride, longing for him to come to her quickly so that she can delight in the one God made for her.
 
See? God made sex. He thinks it's great. Sex is actually about God! He made marriage to be a reflection of the love He has for us, and He designed it to glorify him--including the joy found in sexual pleasure with your spouse. It isn't wrong to have great sex with your husband or wife--it's Godly to rejoice in sexual intimacy in your marriage! Something really important to note is that Song of Solomon is in the Old Testament, which means it came before Jesus and the redemption of sin. Why is that important? It lets us know that God has always had a pure intention for sex, and that He has always wanted us to enjoy it freely in marriage. Sexual sin hadn't been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb yet, but there was still a sinless intention for sex. He made it, He wants it to be great, and He designed it within marriage to be another reflection of the purest love of all.
 
Now that we've discussed what God says about sex, let's talk about some practical ways to foster sexual intimacy in your marriage.
  1. Talk about it. This is probably going to feel weird at first. In Christian dating we spend a lot of time trying not to talk about or think about sex so as not to fall into the trap of temptation. After "I do," that all changes, and you do need to spend time talking about it together! For us girls, getting intimate is about more than just physical stimulation. It's about our emotional vulnerability as well. To get comfortable with physical intimacy, we need emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy can't happen without communication. So, ladies and gents, husbands and wives, sit down and start talking. Bonus points for talking in your undies. Some practical conversation starters: What have you enjoyed in our sex life? What don't you like? Is there something you would like to try? Is there something I'm doing that you are uncomfortable with? What can I do to make you feel sexy and desirable? 
  2. Seek wise counsel. This is another awkward one to put into practice but I promise it's worth it. We talk about seeking wise counsel for many many areas of life, but one we avoid discussing is sex. Here's the thing: If we don't ask for advice when we are confused, we can't really get any answers. If you had an assignment in school and had no idea what you were doing, would you do it blindly and turn in a really poorly done project because you didn't want to ask any questions? I would hope not. Sex is part of marriage, and if you're confused about it, ask questions. Don't keep having bad sex because you're afraid to ask someone the things you want to know. Find a person you really trust who has been married longer than you have, and ask if they're comfortable giving you advice. Ladies, this person shouldn't be a man besides your husband. Ask a female mentor. Men, same goes for you. Girls ask girls, guys ask guys. Don't let your confusion in your marriage be an opening for the enemy to slide into your marriage. When it comes to the opposite sex, don't talk about sex. But have a close friend you can call. Also, pick up a copy of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. It's written from a Christian perspective and has a lot of practical information.
  3. Get something pretty. This one is a little shallow, but it can be incredibly helpful. Wearing something delicate and feminine under your clothes can really help you feel sexier, and make it a lot easier to get in the mood when you are getting ready to get busy with your man. You don't have to go out and get some red and black vixen outfit right away. Those can be really intimidating when you're just starting to get used to all of this. Try something in a soft pink, maybe satin with a touch of lace trim. AdoreMe.com is my favorite place to order lingerie from, and I always feel feminine and beautiful in their pieces. When we first got married, I was incredibly uncomfortable in standard lingerie. It took a long time for me to find what I felt good in. Now, though, when I'm feeling a little blah, I get something I feel pretty in, and it really helps me be more excited about being intimate with my husband.
  4. Keep practicing. Try new things. Work together to see what you do and don't like. When you have a not so great experience, talk about why that wasn't great and how it can get better, and then try that. You won't know what you like and don't like until you actually try, so have fun learning together what is good and what isn't so good! When you find something you like, do it more! When you find something you don't, laugh about it! Sex is fun, and learning what each other likes and doesn't like can be a lot of fun too.
  5. Pray about it. God wants to hear all of your concerns. He's not going to shy away from awkward or uncomfortable topics like some people might. It may sound strange to pray about sex, but remember: Sex was God's idea, and He doesn't want you to spend your marriage having bad sex. Ask him to help you desire your husband. Ask him to give you the courage to talk about it. Ask him to help you figure out who to talk to for practical advice. God cares about your marriage, and He wants it to be healthy, including your intimacy. He designed sex as another way to glorify Him. Do you really think He doesn't want to help you give him glory? You can tell God everything and ask him anything, including asking Him to help you have great sex with your spouse!
  6. If you have ever been abused in any way, shape or form, tell your spouse and go to therapy. Sexual abuse should never happen to anyone under any circumstances. Trust me, I know how terrifying this is to tell someone, but I also know that you cannot recover from it if you don't uncover it. And you need to know: It is not your fault no matter what. What someone else chose to do to you is not your responsibility, and it is not your definition. What was done to you is not okay, but you can be okay anyway. God knows your pain and He wants to provide you with healing. He will hold your hand as you tell your story, and He will be there with you through every step of recovery. This will be hard and you may find that sometimes it's much harder than others, but you will be okay even after your darkest days. Reach out for help, and it will be given to you. Know this: You were not made to suffer in silence and solitude. You are deeply loved more than you can ever imagine, and God will not leave you alone in your pain.
Let's review: Sex was God's idea, and He wants you to have great sex in your marriage. He doesn't want you to suffer, and He loves you more than you could ever imagine. No matter what your story holds from your past, it doesn't have to take away from sex in the future. You can and should have really great sex with your spouse! I want you to, God wants you to, and I'm pretty sure your spouse wants you to feel awesome about it too. So take these tips to bed with you...literally...and consider the ways your physical intimacy can grow and improve.
 
Was sex easy for you when you first got married? What advice would you give newlyweds struggling with intimacy?
 

See more from the series HERE.

63 comments :

  1. Wow! What a great post. Thanks for sharing on a topic that many see as something we shouldn't talk about. When we got married, I did feel uncomfortable talking about sex. A post like this would have been helpful to read a few years ago :) I'm going to check out that AdoreMe site. I've never heard of that!

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  2. It's awesome! Give me your email and I'll send you a referral! I think we both get discounts for that :) so glad you enjoyed this! Sex is something we think of as taboo but really should be fine talking about--it's a really big part of marriage and should be celebrated as that!

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  3. this is such a really amazing post. Cassie, I LOVE this series and Kaitlin wrote this perfectly. It's so funny how most people see sex as something they're not supposed to talk about or bring up, but it NEEDS to be discussed in a marriage.

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  4. This post has me in tears. I will be married in less than 9 months, and having sex for the first time. My fiancé has had other partners though. I cry often because I am so intimidated by the whole idea of sex at this point, what if I am terrible, what if I hate it, etc, but reading this has made me feel much better. I have always went back and forth from thinking it is a dirty thing, to it is something to enjoy. I will be praying my mindset changes in the next 9 months and everything goes smoothly. Thank you Cassie and Kaitlin!

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  5. Girl I get it! Sex is really intimidating, especially if it's your first time. My husband didn't have other partners besides me and I know that was difficult for him to come to terms with, but with prayer and talking to friends he was really able to see it differently. It's really difficult to get in the right frame of mind when you've had to avoid sex for so long, but it's worth it. And don't go into it thinking about the "end goal" so to speak--just relax and enjoy the full process, and it will be so much better. And really, go get the book "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex." It's written from a Christian perspective and has really wonderful information!

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  6. Thank you girl!! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!! We as Christians need to be working to change the stigma around sex. We have to stop making it taboo and start embracing it as a good and healthy component of marriage!

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  7. Growing up in a Christian home and being a teenager during the "purity" craze, I had a really hard time shifting from "guarding my heart" to being completely open to my husband. I didn't realize how guarded I was until after we got married.


    Ironically, "guarding your heart" wasn't something my husband was really taught growing up in a very similar culture. No one spoke to me about how difficult and awkward that transition was going to be..Almost 7 years later, we are doing much better but now that we've been struggling with infertility it's a whole different can of worms.


    Thanks for sharing your story!

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  8. This is so good! Kaitlin, this is what people need. It's OKAY to struggle and it's okay to ask for help and it's okay that things won't always be magical every single time. The thing that really bothers me about the church is they teach you to literally SHUN sex until marriage, which is what I did. SUPER naive virigin...but then on your wedding night you have to turn off years of discipline, training your mind to not have those thoughts, and turn around and become some amazing sexual creature that passionately desires their husband. I'm sorry, but after 21 years of looking the other way and covering my eyes and ears, that was super hard. Thanks for your vulnerability. I just love your heart.

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  9. GIRLFRIEND. This is incredible and I am so glad you are sharing these thoughts!

    This part: Purity can become such a focus in Christianity that once you're married, you've built up so much negativity towards sex without even realizing it that getting intimate with your spouse feels wrong.



    AMEN girl. This was a serious struggle for us at first, especially because of our past relationships. There are still some things we choose not to do because they bring up negative emotions about being intimate together. One thing that helped us at first was before we would do anything intimate, we would pray first. We'd pray that God would bless our time of intimacy and that the focus would be on the other person and on God. It was extremely weird to pray about that at first, but it really helped us learn to focus on the good things about sex and the real intentions behind it.

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  10. Girl, this is so true. The way you reacted to your wedding night is exactly why people need to talk about sex. We don't have to go into detail but we seriously need to be open about it. Especially for women who are virgins, it has to be talked about or it's going to be super uncomfortable. Women shouldn't have to go through years of awkward intimacy with their husbands because they're trying to learn how to be okay with having sexual desires and acting on them!

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  11. Yes yes yes! No one tells you how to guard your heart without turning it to ice in certain areas. No one tells you how great sex is meant to be and how big a part of marriage it is--in a good way! I think we need to work to change the stigma of sex and the way we discuss purity.

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  12. And I am so, so sorry you're struggling with infertility. We've got some advanced knowledge that that may be a struggle for us, and I know it is heartbreaking. I will be praying for you guys in this trial as you face it!

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  13. I am SO glad you resonated with this. That is exactly why we need to discuss sex so much more in the church and in much healthier ways! Sex should never be shunned--just protected because of its value! I'm sorry it was so hard for you to get used to the new approach towards sex, but I am so glad you've been able to work to adjust! And thank you for your vulnerability too--this is a hard topic to be open about online!

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  14. YES to this. Talking about sex is way more important than most people in the church are ever willing to admit and fosters an opportunity for a lot of emotional pain to come into an area of life that is meant to be full of joy! We shouldn't be spending years having bad or weird sex because we don't know how to embrace it. I hope my daughters will one day be able to go into marriage with healthy attitudes towards sex and be able to experience joy with far less pain than I went into it with!

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  15. Same thing! I have some pretty serious scars from my past that have led us to decide that certain sexual acts are not on the table for us because I don't want to bring pain into that part of our lives.


    I love that you learned to pray about it first--it is so weird but really important to recognize that God really wants good sex for marriage and he doesn't want us to be in emotional pain about it! And I love that line about focusing on the other person. My mom gave me a list of advice before our wedding called "In bed and out" and one of them was "don't be selfish most of the time. If you're enjoying giving to the other, that joy comes back to you too." It was such great advice and I try to remember it all the time!

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  16. Great post ma'am! <3 . Sex before marriage is done more so than not these days. I always said I would wait til marriage, & ended up NOT waiting. My excuse to make me feel better was it was with the person I planned on marrying. But we didnt, I ended up meeting the man I was going to marry a few months after splitting with my 1st. & by then i was like welp Ive already done it so I will just keep on. & Once we got married I had some hard times. It for sure would have been different if I would have waited. It puts a lot of insecurities in your heart & head when you or your spouse has had sex before marriage. But as a married couple we shall all get through it! :)

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  17. It is so hard to move past sexual baggage from the past once you get married! And it seems like it should be no big deal, but I had a bit of a laundry list of a past from before I became a Christian, and it definitely played a huge role in insecurity and fear when it came to having sex after we said "I do." However, I think when both people are willing to talk about it openly, and possibly even go to therapy either individually or together, it can make such a big difference! I've committed to seeing a therapist once a month to keep those issues from coming back up in our marriage--working through things regularly with a neutral third party has been so helpful. So glad you're learning to get through it now!

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  18. LOVE!!!! WOW, This was so great and so needed in our culture.
    My biggest piece of advice is to be honest wiht your spouse. Tell them how you are feeling and explain why you think you feel that way. The open discussion about such an important part of marriage will a blessing in all the other areas. Connecting through sex with your spouse is one of the best gifts God gave us in marraige!
    So excited for this series!!!!!

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  19. YES!!! One of the biggest blessings that my husband and I have received from our church (Grace Church, in Greenville, SC) is the teaching they provide about sex. They teach us that sex is a wonderful thing and a gift, but just like most important gifts, it is VERY POWERFUL. That power within marriage can be wonderful, but the power of sex outside of marriage is dangerous on our bodies and our hearts. My church also has some books on their website about being an EZER and sexuality which I hightly suggest reading. GREAT information that is based on the word.
    Love this, thanks so much for sharing your heart on this subject!!

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  20. Kaitlin!!!! Thank you for sharing this!!!! I sure wish this was discussed more... I think we all need to be reminded of it. Cassie- I LOVE this series!

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  21. Thank you so much for sharing this! My fiancé and I are going to our last premarital counseling session tonight and the big S word is being discussed - and I'm so excited! I love how you pulled from the bible verses that so clearly explain God's thoughts on sex. I'll be hopping over to your blog soon to visit!

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  22. Thanks!! I'm loving it too and Kaitlin did such a phenomenal job!

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  23. Thank you! I love that about honesty. You can't make any progress if you're not being real about it! Sex can and should be great, and makes marriage way more fun!!

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  24. Thank you! So glad you liked this! Sex shouldn't be so hard or taboo to talk about. It's healthy to discuss, and necessary to discuss with your spouse! I love this series too!

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  25. It is so awesome that you guys are talking about it now! I bet that will help you so much when your wedding is actually over and you're in marriage. It's really great that you're going into it with open conversation! And thank you in advance for visiting my blog! I hope you like it :)

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  26. Those sound like really helpful books!! I love that your church is talking openly about sex in a better frame of mind!!

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  27. Such a great post! So many people are afraid to talk about this but you made it so easy to read and understand! I wish I could have read this before I walked down the aisle almost 6 years ago! God is so good in all aspects of our lives so why should we shy away from it?!

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  28. Thank you Kaitlin for your incredible openness about this! As Christians we do hear a lot about the importance of purity before marriage and then there is no talk once we transition in to marriage. No one tells you that aspect might not be easy but that's it's so important and God's wish for married couples to enjoy.

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  29. This is such an important topic! I don't care who you are, if you say sex has never been an issue in your marriage, you are not being real. Whether it is right off the bat or somewhere down the road, it is going to be hard at times. I so wish I had read something like this before I got married, but even six years in, I think all of this is incredibly applicable. I love what some of the other commenters said about prayer being a big part of this conversation. So many wise words here!

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  30. Thank you so much! I have a major goal in life to never have people be afraid to talk about things with me, especially some of the hard/weird stuff, especially when we have kids! I want them to ask me anything. And I hope we can foster a better attitude towards sex in marriage!

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  31. Exactly! No one tells you. But they should! And we shouldn't be afraid of being the ones to say it. It is a hugely important part of marriage, and God wants it to be great!

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  32. It is a hugely important topic and should be talked about! I'm on the same page with you--I've never talked to anyone who hasn't had sex as issue at some point in their marriage. And yes--prayer is a big element of the conversation. It's something God created, which means He should be part of how we talk about it and think about it. I hope that many other newlyweds, nearlyweds, or whatever stage they're in, can read this and get something out of it, and know that if it is hard, they aren't alone!

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  33. YES for honesty! I love that everyone here is being so honest because EVERYONE struggles with this at some point! This post and the comments are just rocking me today!

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  34. Seriously, I just want to share this post with EVERY woman!! Thanks Kaitlin!

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  35. Better late than never, right? So much wisdom here Kaitlin. I really hope this post will be shared with other women so they get to hear this message as early on in their marriages (and even before) as possible! Sarah, I love that even 6 years later this is applicable :)

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  36. YES AMEN. We need more people like you!

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  37. OOOOOH! The sex session is always interesting! What great timing for this post! Congrats on your upcoming marriage!!

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  38. Who doesn't like it, Kaitlin?!?!

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  39. Seriously, this post makes me even MORE excited for what is to come! I love the dialogue this is creating!

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  40. Amen to all of this. I can definitely relate, thank GOD he is forgiving and merciful.

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  41. I totally have a similar laundry list. It can be so hard to move past and I never realized how much those decisions would impact my future marriage.

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  42. I love this Madison, what a great example you are setting by sharing this!!

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  43. UGH. I hate that it's shunned too. I feel like that's why women get into risky sexual situations or end up resorting to abortion, etc. because they are ashamed. It NEEDS to be talked about and this post is such a great step!

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  44. YES. We will be praying along with you! SO happy you could find Kaitlin's post during this time!

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  45. Thank you girl, I'm loving it too :)

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  46. YES. Such a great post, thanks for stopping by Amanda!

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  47. I love this post, thanks so much for writing about it! I've heard some horror stories of good Christian girls who won't let their husbands come near them even on their wedding night for fear of everything they've been told "not to do". This is a beautiful way to talk about sex and let us marrieds know it is right and should be enjoyed!

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  48. For the most part we are good, I still have my moments. But praying has helped me most.

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  49. This is amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to put together such a wonderful and helpful post. My husband and I dated for seven years before we got married, starting in high school, and despite the peer pressure and judgement we received from many people, we waited until our wedding night to have sex. We did grow comfortable enough to talk about it a lot beforehand, but it was always theoretical. It was always that far away concept of "one day we'll be married and we'll have sex and it will be perfect." Then the day came and still, I had grown so used to remaining "pure' and innocent that I sometimes had trouble with that kind of intimacy with my husband. It can feel embarrassing to seek help or advice, but I love how you show that we shouldn't be embarrassed.

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  50. Yes! So glad you found this relatable and we hope you will share it for the reasons you shared!

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  51. Even though it's hard to seek advice it's SO COMMON and I'm so happy we are all talking about it here! Thanks for reading :)

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  52. Oh you're too sweet! I hope other ladies find this useful :) Kaitlin did such an amazing job with it!

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  53. theladyokie@gmail.com :) Thanks, girl!

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  54. And that is exactly why we should be able to talk about it! Everyone has some kind of struggle with sex at some point in marriage, and we should all be able to help each other out! I had a mixture of baggage from my sexual past and a focus on purity that was so hard to move past once we got married. Thank you so much for reading!

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  55. You're too nice. Stop.


    Don't stop...I like the nice. Thank you for asking me to participate!

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  56. I'm so glad you found something in this that resonated with you! I have heard some of those same stories, and I've had some of those nights myself in our marriage, but I've learned how to move past it and ask for help when I need it! Thank you for that compliment!

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  57. I love this!!! I think it's so important to get freedom from our past!! So thankful that the Lord can bring that no matter what we go through! I love your first point: TALK!!! So important not only with sex, but with marriage! So thankful God created sex - ha!

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I would love to hear from you! I try to respond to all comments.