I never thought I would get married at 23. That wasn't a part of my "plan." I always thought I would be single until I was 30 or 40. Well, God is really good at turning your plans upside down and giving you what you really need instead of what you think you need. Don't get me wrong, I love being married. I have been gifted the most amazing husband. One that I don't deserve most of the time. Anyways, I digress.
Lately, I have been feeling stuck in-between. See, the majority of my friends are either single or pregnant/have children. I have been feeling like I don't really fit in with either group of friends anymore. It feels like every time I log in to social media or read blogs, there is another pregnancy announcement. Obviously, I am overjoyed for them, but I simply cannot relate at this point in my life. Even at church and in my graduate program, people are on completely different tracks then I am. It has left me in the position of feeling like, now what? And if I were to be completely honest, it has also fostered some bitterness in my heart.
We aren't ready for kids. I want to get further along in school; there are things we want to do and see as just the two of us. We have plenty of time to have a family. Sometimes, I feel guilty for this. Guilty that my career right now is more important to me than a family. Especially being in a Christian community, I feel like being the career woman isn't valued. Of course I want to be a mom one day. A mom that is present and invested. However, I also want to have a job that is fulfilling and gives me purpose outside my role as a wife and mother. That doesn't mean it's more important, it's just something I need personally AND I feel like it was a gift I was given. To help people.
So, all of this to say, I am feeling stuck in the middle. In the in-between of singleness and having a family. I desperately want to enjoy the time we have just the two of us, but it also hurts to feel like I'm alone in my life stage. I've spent a lot of time feeling selfish about these feelings, like I should just suck it up. That's partly true. I also think, however, that I get to feel these things. We all feel like this at some point in our lives and I'm sure some of my single friends think it's hard to relate to me because I'm married. I get it.
I've really been trying to practice acceptance. Acceptance that this is how things might feel for a while. Acceptance that I might feel disconnected from certain people in my life at various stages throughout my life because people don't all do the same things at the same time. That's perfectly normal. Instead of feeling stuck in-between, I want to value and embrace it for what it is.