Nina is someone I felt like I had an instant connection with in the blogging world. We have shared our joys and sorrows together since "meeting," and she's always a huge encouragement to me. I KNOW you'll love her! Take it away Nina!
This year I have taken photography courses and grown comfortable shooting manually. I fell in love with it actually. I took graphic design courses too. I started a business, went freelance. My health was worse than ever this year so I changed the way I treated my body. I finally made the flower crown I've dreamt of for the two years (here's how).
My family has experienced more than a few funerals this year. We are still trying to work through our grief when it comes to my grandfather. One of our main crew (in my family) continued to get bad health news about her cancer. Someone else's health is suffering. I finally made changes in my life to be more organized and grown up. I started a bullet journal (and I love it). Some family issues were mended, or at the very least improved.
And with everything that has gone on, I'm a bit exhausted. Still, some things didn't change. As I do every year: I read, I wrote. Perhaps that is one reason those things comfort me so; they are always there for me to do–two things I love.
I prayed and asked Him to help me trust Him. When I think of this year so far, it feels like a piece of music that has been written already, but the notes are revealed to me slowly. I don't know what to expect next and I have to be okay with that.
I am okay with that.
There are many ways to get through the wave. In the last month, I am not sure that I'm really going deep.
But when I consider it, I realize I have only transferred my fear to other things. I can't even fathom my close family member's terminal cancer. I can't think about it. So I find things to think about instead: was the work I did for that client good enough? Did they like it? They probably didn't. I haven't heard from this client in a day. Did they get it? They are probably going to fire me. This is totally normal (not). Or maybe it is. What I do know is, this isn't what I am supposed to do.
This is not coping.
I am not good at coping. I am good at forgetting.
I've lied to myself about the promise of forgetting things. It doesn't work. All those feelings are still there, building up actually, begging to be dealt with. So then, I'm not going to lie, I go to therapy. I tell the therapist: please be tough on me. Do not let me just brush things under the rug. Here is what I need to work through.
I tell God the same things. I find comfort in His word.
There are things I am waiting on. I pray about them too.
This year is more than half over. The song is beginning to lead up to the crescendo. I do not know what the next note will be. There are highs and lows–a whole symphony of emotions, failures, accomplishments, choices.
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation! The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk]and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]! Habakkuk 3:18-19, Amplified Bible