I've made a commitment to myself to only blog when I actually have something to say (besides when I do reviews because I actually love informing you all about products,, I'm weird), something that feels real and vulnerable for me. Something that's from the heart. Today I'm hurting. My community is scared and tired and overwhelmed. There is hate all around us right now, but there is also love and it has been really hard for me to remember that.
I love social media, but right now it feels like the enemy. I can't tear myself away from the hateful things being said on Twitter but I'm also not sure I can stand to read one more hurtful comment towards our university and my peers. I'm tired of talking about what's going on. I'm tired of feeling helpless. However, I also feel it's my duty to stay informed of what is happening to my peers. My friends who experience this kind of fear regularly just on the basis of their skin color. I'm glad I'm uncomfortable right now. It has led to hard conversations with others, lots of tears, and a lot of prayer.
It has been incredibly hard to focus on my academics, my marriage, my church, and my relationships. I feel defeated today. I'm in shock that I had to get phone calls from family yesterday asking if I was safe. However, I also feel hope in Jesus and his promises. I seriously have emotional whiplash. My thoughts don't even feel like they make sense anymore. The ocean is rising, so to speak. Everything feels raw.
I'm realizing there's not really a point to this post. Instead, I just need to put these words down on "paper." To process the hurt with others, to let others see the things that are happening at my university (and many other places in the world), and to offer hope in Jesus, even if I have to speak that truth to myself 24/7 right now. I believe in His promises to us. ALL OF US regardless of skin color.
There have been a lot of untruthful things shared by the media lately. Originally I felt this need to "set everyone straight," but that's not very gospel-based, right? So instead, I've been praying. Praying that those who have been depicted as the bad guys remember that many of us have seen their amazing qualities as well. That they remember they are loved. Praying that my friends know not everyone evaluates them on the basis of their skin color. That some people see their hearts. Praying that God heals the brokenness of this world and heals those in pain and fear.