8.17.2016

Finding Hope in Our Miscarriage


When bad things happen to us we have this gut reaction to cry out "why?!" to God. Sometimes we become angry, other times we shut down, and some of us might even distance ourselves from community. These behaviors usually describe me when I'm going through a hard time. I don't understand why, but our miscarriage has been different.

Although I obviously never wanted this to be our reality and I don't particularly like it, I'm finding some weird kind of hope in it. I think that's the Holy Spirit. There are days where I'm paralyzed by fear about our future, where my anxiety completely consumes me and makes me want to lash out at every person who posts a pregnancy announcement online or complains about pregnancy- or child-related things. Those are normal feelings after experiencing a loss. Mostly, though, I have felt peace. I have found hope and instead I have chosen to focus on the opportunities God has given us through this miscarriage.

I wanted to share a few of the ways in which God has reminded me He is still faithful and sovereign even in the midst of our pain and heartache.

Our miscarriage has taught me that I'm not in control. God's timing will always be better than mine.
Our miscarriage has taught me that I need to chill out. For real.
Our miscarriage has allowed us to continue opening up our home to strangers through Airbnb, giving us the chance to share Jesus.
Our miscarriage has helped me to love others who have been through this in a way that I never would have been able to before.
Our miscarriage has taught me that trusting in God's promises means trusting in his process.
Our miscarriage has given us the chance to continue serving our church and community in ways that become more challenging with children.
Our miscarriage has taught me that I CAN get pregnant. So many women would die for the opportunity to carry a child, even if only for a short time.
Our miscarriage has taught us a valuable lesson in letting others help US.
Our miscarriage has allowed us to continue saving for the time being because HELLO GRAD SCHOOL SALARY AND INSANE CHILDCARE COSTS.
Our miscarriage has allowed us more time to just be the two of us and to grow our marriage while we wait.
Our miscarriage has brought my husband and I closer. We have had to learn how to love each other well in the middle of this.
Our miscarriage has shown me the power of grace and forgiveness. So many people that I have had conflicts with in the past or had troubled relationships with have selflessly reached out to me to let us know they're praying.
Our miscarriage has also taught me, unfortunately, that some people will still make things about them and, more importantly, that this is why we only need God's comfort.
Our miscarriage means wine and soft cheese and all the coffee and all the sushi and ALL THE THINGS.
Our miscarriage means I can continue to put my fitness goals first instead of worrying about how my training is impacting a growing baby.
Our miscarriage has given us more time to learn from others about what it looks like to be parents and to maybe laugh at little when they are complaining about lack of sleep and blowouts.
Our miscarriage equals less nights of insomnia because being pregnant made me realize pregnancy insomnia is no freaking joke.
Our miscarriage has allowed others to share their stories of loss and heartache with me, sometimes for the first time.
Our miscarriage has taught us what real community looks like. It has taught us that people really do care about us.
Our miscarriage has shown me how strong I am. I don't know how I did it but I somehow got through the most stressful months of my PhD program while dealing with a loss. I didn't think I could do it, but I did.
Our miscarriage means we have more time for God to prepare us to be parents than we initially thought we did.
Our miscarriage has given us a chance to show people the love of Jesus and how he cares for us even when bad things happen.

Let's just be honest, I would rather have a baby than many of these things, but these things are still blessings. I will continue to praise God for them, especially during times of fear and sadness and anxiety.

God never promised us a baby, but he did promise us joy in Him and I'm determined to live my life in light of that.

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