Let's just be real for second: grief sucks. Since our miscarriage I have been trying to be gentle with myself. I've tried to label the stage of grief I'm in and blame it instead of myself or others. To give myself grace and to remind myself that my feelings are normal and valid.
Still, however, it's impossible not to feel lonely and crazy at certain points. Lonely when it feels like the world has moved on, expecting me to be doing better now that nearly a month has passed. Lonely when people stop asking how I'm doing. Crazy when I desperately want people to want to help me, but don't know how to ask them to help me and don't know what will even help me at all. Crazy when at one moment I'm completely fine, laughing and having a great day, and just a few hours later I can't stop sobbing long enough to sleep. Yep, grief sucks.
For those not familiar with the stages of grief, here's the quick rundown:
Shock & Denial: Avoidance, numbness, etc.
Anger: Asking "why is this happening," blaming others, etc.
Bargaining: Especially with God. "Make this go away and I will do X" or "Make this stop and I will never do Y again."
Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything" or loss of energy, etc.
Acceptance: This doesn't mean liking the loss or being happy about it, but just accepting it. One of my favorite phrases is, "I don't like it, I can't change it, but I can accept it."
Full transparency: I'm in a state where I'm constantly switching between these. Some days I'm angry at the health care system for not taking me seriously or at my body for not working properly, and some days I'm at peace and accepting that I cannot change this and God has a plan. Other days I am back to being angry at pregnant women (which probably causes the most guilt of all because HELLO I want people to be happy for me when/if I get pregnant) and some days I'm in full on bargaining mode. I even have days where I'm like: LOOK AT ALL THE FUN THINGS I CAN STILL DO BECAUSE I'M NOT PREGNANT AND WE DON'T HAVE A BABY HA! TAKE THAT. And all of this is normal. It's normal to get "grief whiplash" as I like to call it, but it's not fun and it requires a lot of love, patience, and kindness from yourself and others.
So, grief sucks. If you've ever experience grief, you know this all too well. I want you to know that you're not crazy and you're not alone and all of your feelings are normal and valid. I can't promise you that it will ever get easier, but I can promise you that God will be with you in every step of your grief, even when it doesn't feel like it or you don't want Him to be.
In the meantime, I hope you all will put up with my grief whiplash (ha!).