8.31.2016

Introverts and the Church


I'm a complete introvert (shoutout to all my INFJs!). Living in a world that values extroverts, this can sometimes be a challenge. This is especially the case in the church. I don't mean my church specifically, but churches in general. 

The church encourages and values things like outreach, hospitality, and group gatherings, all of which can be exhausting for an introvert. I don't not like these things, but they take a lot of my energy, especially when compared to an extrovert. I have struggled with things like, why can't I be more missional? Or, why don't I want to go say hi and introduce myself to those new people that just walked through our front doors on Sunday? 

When I went to a Lutheran church I literally DREADED the part where you're supposed to shake everyone's hands and say "peace be with you." I'm getting anxious just telling you about it. Often, I would just go to the restroom to avoid it. Yep. This reaction wasn't because I didn't value things like outreach, hospitality, and community. It was because these things made me incredibly uncomfortable. I would have rather stayed after church for 6 hours and talked to each person individually about their hearts and struggles than have to do that for 5 minutes. 

Honestly, for the longest time, being an introvert kept me away from the church because I had this idea that all Christians must be extroverts and just LOVE these things that require so much effort from me. I didn't see a place for someone like me. 

Luckily, I have come to realize that God doesn't just value the extroverts in His church. However, that doesn't mean that you should use your introvertedness to avoid the things that God asks of you, like being in community and serving your church. There are ways to do the things He asks of us without doing them in an extroverted way. 

Sadly, I think the church misses the mark here. Often times when it asks its people to engage in certain tasks, they're often created with the extrovert in mind. They involve things like surface-level small talk with newcomers and big "girls nights" with a million people. These things aren't bad, but they're really hard for an introvert. I have also learned that when I don't do these things, people isolate me or think I'm "mean." Other times they just don't understand me. Sometimes churches even send the message that solitude is selfish. That one really gets me fired up. 

So, I was thinking, what are some of the ways that introverts like myself can find things in the church that might be less geared towards extroverts? Here's what came to mind:

+ Invest in a few people and cultivate meaningful relationships with them. You don't have to attend girls night, but you should find ways to be in fellowship with others. “Introverts treasure the close relationships they have stretched so much to make.”  ― Adam S. McHughIntroverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture

+ Ask your church if there is anything "behind the scenes" that they need help with. Maybe they need help with their website, sending e-mails, or some other administrative task. It's cool if kids class isn't your thing, but that's not an excuse to not serve at all. 

+ Remember that God's church needs introverts AND extroverts. One is not valued over the other. “Let God make you fully you. Rejoice in your God-given temperament and use it for God's purposes. This point cannot be emphasized enough. We must be authentic. If we try to be someone we are not, people will see it instantly.” ― Adam S. McHughIntroverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture

+ Put yourself out there. Even if something seems overwhelming for you, give it a shot. It might be geared towards extroverts, but you might still like it and God might still grow you through it. If the church has a need but you feel it doesn't suit your "introvertedness," I urge you to still fill that need. For example, small talk kills me but I LOVE leading our hospitality team at church and making connections with new people. I know almost everyone's name at our church, all thanks to putting myself out there AND I get to help people get connected easier than they might have otherwise. 

These are just a few thoughts. The point is, though, that there is a place for introverts in the church. 

I would also suggest checking out this book. I has been on my "to read" list for a while but I haven't gotten around to it. 

Whether you're an introvert or extrovert, I would love to hear your thoughts about your personality style and how that intersects with the church. 


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8.29.2016

Grief Sucks


Let's just be real for second: grief sucks. Since our miscarriage I have been trying to be gentle with myself. I've tried to label the stage of grief I'm in and blame it instead of myself or others. To give myself grace and to remind myself that my feelings are normal and valid.

Still, however, it's impossible not to feel lonely and crazy at certain points. Lonely when it feels like the world has moved on, expecting me to be doing better now that nearly a month has passed. Lonely when people stop asking how I'm doing. Crazy when I desperately want people to want to help me, but don't know how to ask them to help me and don't know what will even help me at all.  Crazy when at one moment I'm completely fine, laughing and having a great day, and just a few hours later I can't stop sobbing long enough to sleep. Yep, grief sucks.

For those not familiar with the stages of grief, here's the quick rundown:

Shock & Denial: Avoidance, numbness, etc.
Anger: Asking "why is this happening," blaming others, etc.
Bargaining: Especially with God. "Make this go away and I will do X" or "Make this stop and I will never do Y again."
Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything" or loss of energy, etc.
Acceptance: This doesn't mean liking the loss or being happy about it, but just accepting it. One of my favorite phrases is, "I don't like it, I can't change it, but I can accept it."

Full transparency: I'm in a state where I'm constantly switching between these. Some days I'm angry at the health care system for not taking me seriously or at my body for not working properly, and some days I'm at peace and accepting that I cannot change this and God has a plan. Other days I am back to being angry at pregnant women (which probably causes the most guilt of all because HELLO I want people to be happy for me when/if I get pregnant) and some days I'm in full on bargaining mode. I even have days where I'm like: LOOK AT ALL THE FUN THINGS I CAN STILL DO BECAUSE I'M NOT PREGNANT AND WE DON'T HAVE A BABY HA! TAKE THAT. And all of this is normal. It's normal to get "grief whiplash" as I like to call it, but it's not fun and it requires a lot of love, patience, and kindness from yourself and others.

So, grief sucks. If you've ever experience grief, you know this all too well. I want you to know that you're not crazy and you're not alone and all of your feelings are normal and valid. I can't promise you that it will ever get easier, but I can promise you that God will be with you in every step of your grief, even when it doesn't feel like it or you don't want Him to be.

In the meantime, I hope you all will put up with my grief whiplash (ha!).
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8.24.2016

4 Best Crime-Related Podcasts


I'm a HUGE podcast fan. I'm constantly listening to a podcast or audiobook. It can probably be classified as an addiction. I've written posts before about my favorite podcasts for believers, but I also have some other crime favorites that I'm dying to tell you all about. If you're even remotely into crime-related topics, you'll love these recommendations!

1. SWORD AND SCALE. This podcast isn't for the faint of heart. It's all about real crime and dives deep into the minds of the perpetrators and victims. It's tagline includes "...proving that the worst monsters are very real." I have heard some pretty gruesome stories in my job, but some of these episodes have had me in tears they are so terrible. Like, ugly crying. I know, sounds lovely right?!

2. UNDISCLOSED. If you loved Serial and Adnan's story, you'll love Undisclosed. They just started their second season and they're off to a running start. I was a huge fan of Serial but fell off in season two. Luckily, Undisclosed has me completely sucked into the second season. I love the different perspectives the hosts bring to the table and how deep they dig into each crime.


3. TRUTH AND JUSTICE.  Bob Ruff. He's a rock star. This podcast is similar to Undisclosed but is completely listener driven. This means that listeners are heavily involved in the investigations of wrongful convictions. Bob covers Adnan's story as well as a host of others. The first few episodes aren't the best, but this podcast has really evolved with time.


4. REAL CRIME PROFILE.  One of the hosts of this podcast, Jim Clemente, has helped out Bob Ruff with Undisclosed. Jim is a retired FBI Supervisory Special Agent/Profiler and former Prosecutor for the New York City Law Department, and he is amazing. He's joined by Laura Richards who is a criminal behavior analyst (Criminal Minds, anyone?!). This podcast digs into stories such as the OJ  Simpson case and is definitely worth a listen. I hear they have a new series on CBS coming out that revisits the JonBenet Ramsey case.

Some others I enjoy but didn't quite make the list include Actual Innocence, Serial, and Criminal.

What are your favorite podcasts?
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8.22.2016

Why Don't We Talk About Trying to Conceive?

Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Before we started trying to conceive (TTC) I thought I would be super chill about it all. I thought I would just hang out for 6-12 months and wait for it to "happen." Those of you that have tried to conceive probably know how impossible this sounds. Especially if you're Type A like I am. However, because we as a culture fail to talk about TTC, I had no idea what I was in for. This resulted in an intense cycle of me feeling completely insane and being unable to focus on anything else. Every day felt grueling and Google got way too much of my attention. I'll let THIS article elaborate on all my feels.

There are numerous articles online about how to keep TCC a secret from your friends, family, and coworkers. We spend more time talking about keeping it a secret than being honest about what it's really like and supporting one another in the midst of it. For me, this resulted in feeling lonely and crazy. The more I talked to other women after our miscarriage, though, the more I realized that the feelings I had were not abnormal. Most women feel a little (or a lot) crazy when they're TTC, whether they've been trying to for a few months or a few years.

So, why don't we talk about trying to conceive? Why is it such a taboo topic?

Some articles I've read suggest it's because our self worth is tied up in our bodies and our inability to conceive therefore somehow reflects our lack of worth, which creates fear about sharing our struggle with others. As if we are failing at one of our most basic human functions. I hope we are all shaking our heads at how ridiculous this is. Our worth is NOT in our ability to have a child. Most of us know that. Yet, we still fail to talk about it.

I stumbled across THIS post recently. It's a male's perspective on TCC. I applaud him (seriously, give it a read). Men can feel the weight of this too, yet... silence. When was the last time you heard a male talk about trying to conceive? Uhm... probably close to never. It's not just the ladies that keep this a secret, it's everyone.

The fact that we don't talk about TTC (or miscarriage) just breeds shame and heartache among women (and men!). We MUST start talking about this topic and supporting each other. It's normal to feel crazy while TTC, it's in our nature. We have to be brave and put ourselves out there. It's bound to be a stressful time and you never know how your vulnerability might help someone that's feeling alone.

I'm really curious to hear other's thoughts on this topic because, honestly, I have heard some downright valid reasons for keeping TTC a secret. I'd love to hear your thoughts below.

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8.19.2016

Farewell, Summer



Dear Summer,

I can't believe you're almost over. I'm usually quite sad to see you go, but this year I couldn't be more ready for you to go away.  Far away. This summer has been full of ups and downs. Ups like visiting New Orleans for the first time, celebrating two years of marriage, welcoming new babies into our community, and finding out we were pregnant. But the downs, man, these have been in a whole new league. My comprehensive exams, endless house/car repairs, personal struggles, family drama, and our miscarriage have seriously taken a toll on my mind and body.

I usually love summer because it means my program slows down. I can work from home here and there and I can focus more on self-care. Maybe even throw a vacation in there for good measure. Our town slows down when all the college students leave and we usually get to spend more time downtown and exploring. Sadly, this summer has been full of non-stop studying in my dungeon of an office, way too many hours in my lab, and not nearly enough self-care. It's so unlike me to prioritize school over things like self-care, but comprehensive exams broke me.

I'm so ready for the cooler weather that fall brings. I'm really looking forward to backyard BBQs, running outside without feeling like I'm dying/drowning in humidity, and the predictability of my school schedule. I'm looking forward to time passing for the sake of healing and for getting back to some sense of normality in our life.

This really wasn't our season and I'm praying that better seasons are ahead for us. This fall I'm really looking forward to some of the races I'm running, getting some more things checked off my school to-do list, and getting my weekends back so that I can spend time with my husband. It's bound to be a better season, right?

Farewell, summer. Until next year.

Are you looking forward to summer ending or begging it to stay around a little longer?

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8.17.2016

Finding Hope in Our Miscarriage


When bad things happen to us we have this gut reaction to cry out "why?!" to God. Sometimes we become angry, other times we shut down, and some of us might even distance ourselves from community. These behaviors usually describe me when I'm going through a hard time. I don't understand why, but our miscarriage has been different.

Although I obviously never wanted this to be our reality and I don't particularly like it, I'm finding some weird kind of hope in it. I think that's the Holy Spirit. There are days where I'm paralyzed by fear about our future, where my anxiety completely consumes me and makes me want to lash out at every person who posts a pregnancy announcement online or complains about pregnancy- or child-related things. Those are normal feelings after experiencing a loss. Mostly, though, I have felt peace. I have found hope and instead I have chosen to focus on the opportunities God has given us through this miscarriage.

I wanted to share a few of the ways in which God has reminded me He is still faithful and sovereign even in the midst of our pain and heartache.

Our miscarriage has taught me that I'm not in control. God's timing will always be better than mine.
Our miscarriage has taught me that I need to chill out. For real.
Our miscarriage has allowed us to continue opening up our home to strangers through Airbnb, giving us the chance to share Jesus.
Our miscarriage has helped me to love others who have been through this in a way that I never would have been able to before.
Our miscarriage has taught me that trusting in God's promises means trusting in his process.
Our miscarriage has given us the chance to continue serving our church and community in ways that become more challenging with children.
Our miscarriage has taught me that I CAN get pregnant. So many women would die for the opportunity to carry a child, even if only for a short time.
Our miscarriage has taught us a valuable lesson in letting others help US.
Our miscarriage has allowed us to continue saving for the time being because HELLO GRAD SCHOOL SALARY AND INSANE CHILDCARE COSTS.
Our miscarriage has allowed us more time to just be the two of us and to grow our marriage while we wait.
Our miscarriage has brought my husband and I closer. We have had to learn how to love each other well in the middle of this.
Our miscarriage has shown me the power of grace and forgiveness. So many people that I have had conflicts with in the past or had troubled relationships with have selflessly reached out to me to let us know they're praying.
Our miscarriage has also taught me, unfortunately, that some people will still make things about them and, more importantly, that this is why we only need God's comfort.
Our miscarriage means wine and soft cheese and all the coffee and all the sushi and ALL THE THINGS.
Our miscarriage means I can continue to put my fitness goals first instead of worrying about how my training is impacting a growing baby.
Our miscarriage has given us more time to learn from others about what it looks like to be parents and to maybe laugh at little when they are complaining about lack of sleep and blowouts.
Our miscarriage equals less nights of insomnia because being pregnant made me realize pregnancy insomnia is no freaking joke.
Our miscarriage has allowed others to share their stories of loss and heartache with me, sometimes for the first time.
Our miscarriage has taught us what real community looks like. It has taught us that people really do care about us.
Our miscarriage has shown me how strong I am. I don't know how I did it but I somehow got through the most stressful months of my PhD program while dealing with a loss. I didn't think I could do it, but I did.
Our miscarriage means we have more time for God to prepare us to be parents than we initially thought we did.
Our miscarriage has given us a chance to show people the love of Jesus and how he cares for us even when bad things happen.

Let's just be honest, I would rather have a baby than many of these things, but these things are still blessings. I will continue to praise God for them, especially during times of fear and sadness and anxiety.

God never promised us a baby, but he did promise us joy in Him and I'm determined to live my life in light of that.

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8.15.2016

5 Things To Do in Louisville on Urban Bourbon Half Marathon Weekend


If you've been around here for some time you know that I LOVE Louisville. I'm super excited to be going again this October to run in the Urban Bourbon Half Marathon (Pssst code "BourbonRave2016" gets you 10% off!). I would love if you would join me! I hear there is going to be awesome swag and some even more awesome bourbon tasting.

While I am there I hope to do some of the following:

Louisville Makers Mark
1. VISIT THE MAKERS MARK DISTILLERY. You can dip your own bottle and go on a tour! See more from the last time I went HERE.

Louisville Urban Bourbon Half Marathon 2. BOURBON BASH ON BELVEDERE. This is a part of the race weekend festivities and I hear it's a big hit. At the Bourbon Bash on the Belvedere race participants can enjoy a sampling of bourbons from various distillers along the Kentucky Bourbon Trail, Bearno’s Pizza, Falls City Beer, and plenty of prize and photo opportunities. The popular local band the Louisville Crashers will perform. You can learn more HERE.

Louisville Silver Dollar

3. EAT ALL THE THINGS. Last time we went we LOVED Silver Dollar and Hammerheads. I hear some other great eats include Havana Rumba, Harvest, Feast BBQ, and LouVino. I'm constantly adding to this list so if you're a Louisville local/fan, tell me more in the comments!

Louisville Kentucky

4. RECOVER WITH A WALK IN WATERFRONT PARK. You'll catch some beautiful views here and I hear there are always fun events happening throughout the year. The course runs right by it but it's definitely worth spending more time there and walking the bridge if you have time (You can straddle Kentucky and Indiana!). I hear they also rent bikes during the nicer months of the year if that's more your style. Read more HERE.


5. CHECK OUT THE FALL COLORS. I hear October is a great time to see the leaves changing at some of the local parks. I think the above photo from the Urban Bourbon course says it all.

Have you ever been to Louisville? Tell me more!

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8.11.2016

Thank You


Hi friends, I'm just stopping in to say thank you. I finished my exams yesterday, so I finally have a chance to sit down and write a quick post about the ways in which you all have blessed us since we shared the news about our miscarriage.

There have been countless prayers said. Meals delivered. Flowers and cards sent. Phone calls and text messages to check up on us. I don't know how we will ever repay you all for your kindness and generosity during one of our most challenging months ever. I'm used to being the one serving others, and it has been so hard but so amazing to step back and let ourselves be served. I should probably learn how to do more of that.

Regarding all of the sweet comments on our instagram and my blog post, thank you. I'm not sure I have it in me to answer all of them, but please know that they have all been read and greatly appreciated. We have found so much comfort in your words. I know I have sucked at keeping up this blog but I'm so grateful for all of you that have stuck it out with me.

I feel as if I have had to put off grieving fully until my exams are over, but now that they're over I'm surprisingly feeling so much peace about our miscarriage. I'm so hopeful that God has a great plan for us. I'm sad that our plans aren't going to happen as we had thought they would, but I'm hopeful that means there are better things to come. I'm choosing to be joyful in the midst of loss and pain because that's all I know how to do right now. All I know how to do is trust that Jesus is enough, and seriously, I have felt that so much in the last week or so.

All of that just to say THANK YOU. You all mean more to me than you will ever know.

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8.05.2016

The Post I Never Thought I'd Write: My Miscarriage Story


I hadn't planned on returning to this space of mine until my comprehensive exams were over. But I need to. I need to write what's on my heart in hopes that it will help me focus on my tests for the next few days. 

I had planned to come back to this space after my exams and write about how we were trying to conceive. During the process, I realized that it's not something women talk about. They don't talk about the hoping and heartache that are tied up in what the world views as a seemingly "easy" task. The world tells us to keep it quiet. I find that completely invalidating. Getting pregnant is not easy. In fact, it made me completely crazy. I carefully and thoughtfully told a few people close to me that we were trying, knowing that I would need the love and support in the midst of it. Hopefully those of you that have stuck with me know by now that I try to genuinely share my heart in this space. I felt called to write about this topic and I had planned to immediately after my exams. Then things changed. 

In July, after a particularly hard month of emotions related to trying to get pregnant and the stress of my exams quickly approaching, I got a positive test. I got a positive test really early. I just "knew" as some people say. So I took a pregnancy test nearly 4 days before my missed period. Pregnant. 

I was shocked. It was the most surreal feeling ever. I was literally at a loss for words. As a woman, you can't help but get excited about something you've been desperately wanting for over a year. At the same time, I was terrified about how early it was. My husband and I tried to guard our hearts as we made arrangements to find a doctor, to talk about finances and insurance costs, and how a baby would fit into my school schedule. I started to think about a nursery, the fact that my brother and sister in law were just two months ahead of us and we would have kids close in age like I was with my cousins, and about my husband becoming a dad. I have never prayed more fervently than I prayed for this baby after I knew it existed. 

I want to warn you all that this might get graphic. If you're sensitive about blood and stuff, this might be a good time to stop reading. 

Then, about a week later, I went for a run and noticed some spotting. I knew that could be normal,  so I tried not to panic and went about my day. The spotting stopped until I took my dog for a walk that evening. Then it started again. I went to sleep trying to put it out of my mind. The next day was Saturday and Matt and I decided that we would go for a bike ride. I had been studying a lot and feeling really stressed and I figured it would be a good stress reliever. When we got home, I started to spot again. At this point I realized it might be linked to the exercise, so I texted a good friend and she told me that was normal and unless I'm having really bad cramping, it should be alright. But, I had been cramping since I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't any worse at that point, but still not comfortable. So, I tried to go about my day but as the day went on, the spotting turned to bleeding. I had to wear a pad because a liner wasn't enough. I have never been so terrified. 

At this point, I was still telling myself it could still be alright. Plenty of women bleed and have healthy babies. My husband and I went to a coffee shop so I could study and he could work on his sermon. We needed the distraction. I must have gone to the bathroom every 15 minutes to see if I was still bleeding. It hadn't stopped. 

I knew if I was having a miscarriage that there was nothing they could do for me. I messaged my doctor's office which was closed for the weekend, knowing I wouldn't hear back until Monday. About 30 minutes after messaging them, I went to the bathroom and saw tissue after wiping. I knew exactly what I was seeing. I tried to tell myself it wasn't what I thought it was, but I just knew. I knew I had a miscarriage. 

The rest of the day I tried to stay distracted. I was so uncomfortable and literally felt like I had no control over my body. I went to church the next day and did my best to be present. I went and saw a movie with the same friend I had texted about the bleeding, just as a distraction. I'm so glad I did that because it gave me a few hours of emotional relief. Sunday night, however, was bad. I was so emotional which caused me to be completely impatient with my husband. I couldn't believe what was happening. 

The next day, Monday, I heard from the doctor's office. They told me that if I didn't know my blood type or if I was negative that I needed to go the ER. At this point, I had just started spotting again. The nurse told me that's totally normal so not to worry about going to the ER unless the bleeding or pain increases, and that they would see me next week for my appointment. Great. There was no way I was going to go sit in the ER for who knows how many hours. 

The next day, the doctor's office called me again and told me they wanted me to go get my blood work done to find out my blood type. I asked if they would also test my hcg levels and they told me "the doctor isn't asking for that at this time but I'll check with her." Talk about a punch in the stomach. They were going to have me go in and get blood work done but not check on my one huge concern. I went to the doctor's office and the lab told me that the nurse had gone ahead and ordered my hcg levels. Praise that woman. I got my blood drawn and came back home to try and focus on studying. 

Two hours later, I got the call I was dreading. My blood type was negative but I didn't need to come in for a shot because I was no longer pregnant. My hcg levels were higher than they should be, but nowhere near where they should have been to be considered pregnant. Especially considering I was nearly six weeks along. The woman told me this was considered an "early loss" and that I didn't need to keep my appointment for the next week. She told me I would continue to feel bad physically for the next week or so and basically sent me on my way. 

I was in shock. We weren't going to be parents after all. 

The emotions that I have felt in that moment and in the days sense have been nothing like anything I have ever experienced. However, somehow, in the middle of all of this I just have a desire to glorify God. I don't know what that looks like right now, but I know that He is still sovereign and good and that He has a perfect plan for our family. I might not understand it, but I know it's true. 

I also had this conviction to share my story. So many women hold the pain of this kind of loss inside themselves and I've seen so many break from it. It's not something women should ever have to deal with alone or feel shame about. It's normal to have thoughts like "did I do something" and "what if I hadn't gone on that bike ride?" It's normal to have your heart ache at pregnancy announcements and people complaining about pregnancy aches and pains. That's valid. That's grief. At the same time, however, I can still feel my grief without invaliding someone else's joy of a new pregnancy or struggles with a changing body. It's not their fault that I won't get to meet my baby. I don't want to be that person that can't celebrate someone else's joy with them. Their joy doesn't minimize my grief. 

I never once thought this wasn't a loss because it was so early along. It wasn't until after I started hearing other's stories that I realized some women feel like they shouldn't be allowed to grieve or feel guilty for doing so if it's an "early loss." But an early loss is still a loss. We still lost a baby. I will grieve for this baby we will never get to meet and for the plans that we made that won't ever happen. 

For me, the hardest part has been the physical pain I am in. I am so sick. I have been trying so hard to stay focused on studying given my exams are this coming Monday and Wednesday, but I am being constantly reminded that my body is rejecting my baby. I'm still having pregnancy symptoms and I will continue to until the hcg is out of my system. Even when I can emotionally compartmentalize, my body is grieving too. It's torture. 

I'm left with so many questions. When will I feel better? Will I be able to focus enough to pass my tests? Will I ever have a healthy pregnancy? Will I be high risk if I get pregnant again? And so on and so forth. That's another hard part about this. I don't have, and probably won't ever have, answers. 

For those that are wanting to know what you can do. You can pray for us. Pray for my body to be healed, for our hearts to be healed, and that we would mourn in a healthy way that glorifies Jesus. Pray that I can focus on my tests the next few days and that they go well for me next week. You can also check in on us. We will continue to feel this long after the texts have stopped and the flowers have died. We will need people to ask us how we are feeling months and maybe even a year later. 

For those wanting to know what NOT to do. Don't invalidate our experience. Comments like "at least it happened early" or "my mom had two miscarriages and she was able to have us" are not helpful right now. PLEASE don't ask us when we will start trying again. It's like someone's dog getting hit by a car and then someone immediately asking "when are you going to get a new one?" Even if we are able to have children in the future, no child can replace the one we already lost. Please think about that. And if you have a few minutes, I highly suggest watching this video:

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