On My "First" Due Date

We would have had a baby this month had my first pregnancy not ended in a miscarriage. In another week or so, we would be holding a precious little life in our arms. We would be heading home from the hospital, introducing our new addition to our friends and family, and beginning our life as three. We would be changing diapers, losing sleep, and probably trying not to murder our needy animals.

I'm not going to lie and say that this month has been easy because it hasn't. I won't tell you that my heart doesn't ache every time I see someone post a photo of their fresh March babe on social media, because it does. There is an emptiness that won't be filled-- not by my current pregnancy and not by future pregnancies. There will always be loss. We will never get that first baby back.

As much as I have seen God move in the months since our miscarriage (and I mean MOVE), I still grieve. Even while I look forward to this baby, I wonder what our first would have been like. Sometimes I feel like this isn't giving God the glory, but that would be a lie because God grieves with us. He loved that first baby as much as we did, and he will love our current child just the same.

So, that's where I am at this month. Eagerly awaiting the arrival of our earth-side babe this June while grieving the loss of the one that might have been there with us this month. It's messy and hard but also filled with hope, gratefulness, and joy.

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